16:38 Sep 15 2015
Times Read: 694
For the sake of IS, I really need to remember to log on at least weekly.
I used to be able to spend hours upon hours on VR - there was times where I hit the 12 Hour Limit a couple of days in a row. That was mainly while rating and talking to people. I could never, ever do that now.
I've changed. Gone are the days when I could devote attention to things for hours - my loss of VR interest was just something I knew would inevitably happen - but my lack of attention regarding the rest of my life is probably due to my illness.
In fact, I am sure of it.
In the weeks where I am really sick, I can sleep 18+ hours a day. That combined with inattentiveness...
Sigh.
Deeeeeeep sigh.
I wish I could read books again. Utterly lose myself in the magnificence. I try, so, so hard, and I get 20, maybe 50 pages in to the book, and I have to put it down, have to go do something else, or I have to rest. Videogames are easier if I am playing online multiplayer, because teams change and so do the maps, or players, and that keeps me active. Things like Skyrim, however... just like movies, books and television, I can't play it for more than 30 minutes without zoning out.
I've taken to using colouring books to give myself a rest between the activities I use to keep me occupied in the day.
Studying is an absolute impossibility right now, and has been for a while. It is so frustrating, SO frustrating, to be writing essays and sourcing articles with a brain that's starving. Where you have found a promising article, framed your idea, read through the journal... and forgotten what the idea was. Completely forgotten, by the time you finish reading the article. You spend an hour trying to remember the brilliant angle or argument you framed, you spend hours trying to trigger those thoughts again, thinking over what lead you to the idea, but you've been thinking about thinking for so long that you've forgotten what the article was about anyway, so you re-read it...
"Use 6 to 10 references in your essay."
N o p e.
Or where you write a bit, then go make a cup of tea, and get so sidetracked that you end up playing with the cat, feeding the cat, taking a shower with the cat, deciding you need to wash your hair, deciding to brush teeth, deciding another cup of tea is a good idea, putting on some laundry, tidying the kitchen, having a nap because you're exhausted... that's also a sadly common thing.
That is one part of my illness that I absolutely hate. My housemate thought it was funny at first - there was months where I kept making tea and forgetting about it, so she'd find cups all over the house, teabags in them and no water, or half full, or completely full but stone cold...
The forgetfulness and the perma-exhausted feelings are dreadful. In the weeks where the illness is bad, I am usually feeling like I have been hit by a truck. It's not just "I am sleepy, teehee", it's "I could sleep for a week."... and so I do sleep that much.
Lately I have been cancelling appointments because even though I almost ALWAYS get 12+ hours of sleep a night, it is not enough right now. That probably means I am sliding back into the "bad" phase, whiiiiich would also explain the large, bright yellow and purple, inexplicable bruises covering my thighs right now.
I shouldn't have cancelled my doctor appointment for tomorrow.
I wish I could cancel my appointment at the clinic. They are more stress than they are worth.
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